Most of us have been there at some point in our lives. When we feel we are caught in the cycle of pain, hurt, fear, shame, heartbreak-when we are in the midst of the f*ckening. It’s a terrible place to be stuck and it takes brutal honesty and bloody hard inner work to begin to heal. But if we are prepared to dig deep we will at some point unf*ck ourselves. Let this be a path paved with light should you find yourself in the darkness.
When we are in a world of pain, maybe feeling betrayed and hurt, it is easy to think that the feeling will last forever.
Through our loss, heartbreak and/or devastation, we see no exit plan. No fire door. There is little light at the end of that tunnel and no clear safety rope to hang onto. We are free-falling, loaded with maybe anger, sadness, confusion or shame-swimming in a sea of injustice and paddling like f*cking hell to stay afloat.
It is in these despairing moments that we need to know the unf*ckening is coming-just hold on a little longer. As the saying goes, it’s always darkest before the dawn. And it is, it really is.
The unf*ckening does not prescribe a timetable. There’s no 10-step process that results in its delivery. There’s no explainable format. It will come in whatever shape it comes, in whatever timeframe it comes. But if you’ve done the work to heal and are living authentically, it’s coming, its arrival is a certainty.
The unf*ckening is not a person or a feeling. It is not an epiphany or a mindset. It is the unconscious realisation that something has shifted. Something from deep within has manifested from broken to rebuilt. It is a transient resettling of our innermost self- it is a quiet peace.
It is the moment when the pain evaporates- the hurt may still be there but the sting is soothed. Any anger diminishes and the body resets itself. It is the stark realisation of our worth and that despite the battle you may have fought- won or lost- the victory is in the completion.
It is the undeniable understanding that the universe has aligned and we are ok. We are going to be ok. It’s the moment we discover that the biggest injustice we do to ourselves is holding onto the notion it could have been any other way.
The unf*ckening is when we take our power back-with absolutely no point to prove. It’s deciding the pain no longer serves us and that our truth is all that mattered. That we know in our soul, we gave it everything we had. We were honest about our feelings. We didn’t bury or hide our truth and we had the courage to dig deep, dance with our shadows and do the f*cking hard work to heal.
We reach the unf*ckening at different stages, but reach it we do.
The greatest service we can bestow on ourselves in our broken states is to let go. Let go of pain. Let go of anger. Let go of broken promises. Let go of the dreams you had for it to be any different. Let go and allow yourself the freedom to move past it all.
We don’t have to forget the moments. We don’t have to forget the love or let go of that time in our life. But we do have to be still. We do have to do the hard inner work to free ourselves and we do have to be completely ready with open arms to welcome the event.
When we are wholeheartedly ready for the unf*ckening, we’ll find it’s already upon us. It doesn’t need to be summoned- it just is.
One day we wake up and things are different. The shift has been silent in its approach, the process almost anonymous, but subconsciously we came to know it. The grand reveal is when we can acknowledge it.
The unf*ckening is certainly not a lack of feelings-it’s not a journey into indifference. It doesn’t mean we are numb, rug-sweeping, wearing a mask, in denial or in a cycle of avoidance or distraction. In fact it is the opposite.
It’s renewed culpability for us. It’s a determination to love more. It’s the knowledge that there is nothing more beautiful than our own rawness. Our own authenticity and the ability to speak our truth and honour ourselves. It’s a knowing that we can flourish in our independence, without a need of external validation or the reliance on anyone else. It’s a wake-up call that we are worthy, deserving and all that we had doubted. It’s a burst of excitement for what we are going to be. It’s understanding that, should we choose someone to share our life it will be because we want them and not need them. It’s the renewing of our vows to ourselves.
It’s our subconscious fighting back. Delivering our own redemption and telling us that any justice we believed needed serving, is not in fact serving us at all. The insistence that we are completely broken is fundamentally wrong and the only person that can deliver us the happiness and peace we so deeply seek is ourselves.
The unf*ckening comes when we are almost ready to give up. It comes like a tsunami from within. It washes away the dead wood, the rotting fears, pain and trauma. It may leave us slightly eroded and sandblasted but it leaves us on the shoreline-alive and cleansed.
It could be as simple as going for a run again after a long spell of inactivity. Or it could be as complicated as healing a broken heart. The feeling of being free will come freely, it will arrive suddenly and it will remain within us. Maybe as a lesson, maybe as a blessing or perhaps both.
Once we have been untangled and the storm clears, its appearance will embrace us and we will know it’s been. We will feel a sense of peace and clarity. We will appreciate what was and what is. We will hold a piece of love shared safely tucked away, knowing that each moment makes you who you are and led you to this place. What we will also discover-is it has been within us all along.
“I do not want to be just beautiful. I want to be contagious and radiant. I want to leave a mark not only on the world but on souls. I want to have something to offer-something more”.