Chasing Happiness- An Exercise in Futility

“Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you”.

We’ve all been there, thinking we can search for happiness, external to ourselves. We chase this and chase that, hoping it’s going to fill whatever void is within us- hoping we will find this elusive happiness and remain happy.

The stark reality is we won’t! And this can be a brutal lesson to learn- if in fact we do ever learn.

The truth is, the happiness you so desperately seek is within you but you are not going to feel any sort of sustained happiness until you address the voids, the wounds, your shadows. Anything other than facing your darkness, feeling what needs to be felt and dealing with what comes to light is superficial. It’s by-passing. It’s an illusion.

So why do we chase happiness? We are taught that money and material things are far more important than they really are. We are taught that our relationships should be some sort of fairytale. We are taught that being vulnerable, speaking of pain and sadness, showing our authenticity in all it’s messiness- is somehow a sign of weakness.

We are taught to get busy, distract ourselves, search for what makes us feel good- all in the hope we dismiss any uncomfortable feelings. We learn to bury every f*cking negative feeling we have and continue on our fruitless journey searching for external happiness. I mean we certainly don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable by being honest with our feelings.

I’ve seen this constant chasing of happiness- hell I’ve participated in it! It’s exhausting and whilst you will always get a temporary “high”- a feeling of joy and happiness, it never lasts. Why? Because if you are trying to fill your cup externally, you will never be truly and peacefully happy.

The reality is we won’t always be happy and that’s ok. Life happens and we face pain, sadness, betrayal, confusion, guilt, shame, loss and grief. Don’t trap yourself thinking these things can just be pushed aside. Don’t get caught in the bullshit toxic positive- we always must be f*cking happy cycle. Nothing will make you more miserable than lying to yourself and hiding how you really feel.

You will never find happiness in another person-if you are attaching yourself to someone to “complete you” or make you whole, at some point everything will come crashing down around you- it’s fleeting. If you cannot be happy alone, you need to address your wounds.

If you need external validation to make you happy and feel good about yourself, you will be forever chained to a fence of need and putting your worthiness in someone else’s hands.

You will not find happiness in a better job, more money, a bigger house, more likes, more followers, a better body, a younger face, a bottle, a pill, a snort, a toke, more clothes, another pair of shoes, a new car or whatever else you think you need to make you happy. Yes all these things will give you a quick fix but like any addict, you will be searching for your next hit once all the gloss and shine wears off. That’s the thing with voids, they always need to be filled.

So what makes you happy? You! You make you happy. You do the hard work on yourself. You face your own toxicity. You tell the truth to yourself and those closest to you. You dance with your f*cking shadows and deal with your wounds. You stop rug sweeping and denying how you really feel. You show up for yourself with vulnerability and courage.

Ignore the bullshit plastered all over social media of quick fixes and success at all costs. The internet is saturated with advice which sometimes is more damaging than helpful. Stop thinking shiny new things will make everything better-they won’t. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.

I’ve done the work and it’s been bloody hard and at times excruciatingly painful. Some days you will be left gasping for air and other days you will fall asleep exhausted from your overwhelming emotions. But be brave because to get to your destination you need to go through (not over, not under or around) but through everything along the way- there are no shortcuts.

Am I always happy? Of course not- I am human. But am I happy within myself, yeah I actually am because I’m honest with myself and I know there will always be ongoing inner work to do. I’m not scared of being vulnerable and feeling what needs to be felt. I’ve learnt that fear becomes your friend when you finally dare to follow your heart and soul.

My happiness does not come from another person, my job, a bigger house or any other material things. My happiness comes from the knowledge that I’ve owned my shit, spoken my truth, walked away from what no longer serves me, love and trust my tribe-which is reciprocated. It comes from knowing I gave my kids a better mum because I chose a different path away from their dad-which allowed me to grow into who I am. It’s following my passions, it’s loving all of me and each day I look in the mirror, I know I’ve become a better version.

Happiness comes from within but you need to be in a healthy environment conducive to happiness. Now I’m in this space and it’s such a feeling of joy that I walk along the beach, look out across the vast expanse of the ocean and I embody peace. A warmth, a glow. I slowed down and went within and a remarkable thing happened.. happiness found me.

It’s been the longest of journey’s but I have arrived.