“Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter, or make well shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart and your soul”.
Sometimes it takes a momentary trip back to realise how far you have actually come. How much you have grown. The amount of comfort zones you have hurdled. What you have endured and the amount of resilience and strength you have.
I went back to my old home the other week, as my son had the place to himself and I was picking him up to go out to dinner. I was more than nervous to go in as I have not been there since the day I left, two years ago. It was very surreal stepping foot in the home I designed and had built. I had lived there for 21 years. Raised my two amazing kids there. Buried two out of my three much loved pets in the backyard, under a beautiful blooming rose bush. My other adored pet Dalmatian, I re-homed and I still miss him everyday.
I walked through this house that was so familiar to me, yet remarkably unfamiliar at the same time. Nothing had really changed but it was now more like a house than a home. So many incredible memories within these walls and so many painful and sad memories as well. It was a bittersweet moment and a moment I realised, I am not the same person that left this place two years ago. As I looked around I said a final goodbye, to a life that was but is no more, as I hold onto the memories but let go of the past.
Sometimes it’s hard to see our growth but my visit back has made me reflect on the past few years and this journey I have been on and what a f*cking journey it has been. Healing and growth are not linear, meaning it’s not a straight line and you will fall backwards on your voyage forwards and that is ok. You can’t heal and grow unless you are prepared for the rollercoaster because you dig through one layer and boom there’s a second layer and a third. Healing doesn’t take place in the mind, it takes place in the body, through our feelings. The body definitely does keep the score!
The past few years have seen some incredible moments versus some of the darkest times I’ve faced. I write about this because it’s important for people to understand we can pull through some of our worst times and as hard as things get- there is always light at the end of that tunnel, even though you may not be able to see it. There is no shame in being vulnerable, in speaking your truth and being open about your feelings because by doing so it allows others to not feel alone in their battles. It also allows you to release- the truth is so freeing.
In all honesty I battled most of my worst moments alone and let onto very few people as to how dark a place I actually fell into. I see now the excruciating pain was the start of my healing and growth but at that time, I didn’t know what the next hour would bring never-lone the next day and quite frankly there were brief moments, I wasn’t sure I wanted there to be a next day. That’s really difficult to admit but it was what it was. It’s hard for me to be so open about this but it’s also necessary because on this journey, I realised I could help others and to do that, it starts with me being brutally honest about my darkness.
There was a lot happening with my family and I needed to hold it altogether. I am a positive person and admittedly I wore a mask so as not to allow people to see my pain. I would try and keep that mask firmly planted when I spoke to people or saw people as didn’t want to worry them. I knew I needed help but I also knew I could not bypass this. I could not distract myself or busy myself. I could not bury this! I had to hit this thing head-on and allow myself to feel what needed to be felt.
Some days that was crying. Other days that was numbness. Then there were the days of frustration and even anger, which is rare for me as I don’t often get angry and can rarely stay angry. Some days I lost all motivation and other days it was this torment, this agony, the grief that ripped through my body until I fell asleep exhausted. Some days I couldn’t eat or sleep and other days all I wanted to do was sleep because then I didn’t have to feel the pain.
I booked into hypnotherapy and kinesiology. This treated the sub-conscious mind, the limiting beliefs, grief and trauma stuck in there. Kinesiology treated the body and the energy, releasing the pain held throughout. I started meditating and this continued to support me. I exercise everyday and try to eat really well 80/20. I started writing and writing and this has been my gift, my everyday therapy. Reading and learning has been a blessing. BUT like I said healing is not linear and you cannot avoid it if you really want to heal and grow. Anyone who thinks it’s easy or a quick fix does not understand it or is bypassing it. Growth and evolving is always happening- unless we choose to just stand still but why would anyone want to do that? It’s also a process and real healing takes time.
I can write openly about my darkness now as I’ve fought hard and worked hard with some help and it’s bloody hard work. I am not the same person that walked away from my old home and life. I have battled more demons in between and faced the hardest of lessons, which as brutally f*cking painful as it has been, catapulted me into growth. I stand here today understanding that my journey of healing is not over but I continue to face it all and I continue to feel it all, deal with it all so I can heal it all.
I have lost people along the way and as caring, empathic souls that is never easy and usually hurts more than we care to admit and it hurts because it mattered. But I have also found some people and have such close bonds with “my tribe” that I cannot express my gratitude. I have a tribe of people that love me unconditionally regardless of my strengths, my weaknesses or my mistakes. There is no judgement, there’s just soulmate friendship. How lucky to have that quality of people in your life! How lucky to stand before one of your people completely unmasked, bearing your soul and they love you anyway! That is such an incredible gift.
A few years ago I was a shell of the person I used to be and am today. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and changed my life and within this period I had to do that again! My soul and heart are still the same but I see a woman with fire in her belly and a spark in her eyes, when I look in the mirror. I see someone who is blitzing a pretty in depth course, so she can change her career and follow her purpose. I see someone who found the creativity she lost somewhere along the line and now writes pieces that resonate so deeply with others they contact her. I see someone that isn’t afraid to be herself on her amazing days, her great days, her good days, her average days and her less than average days. I see someone who is unapologetically herself ,no matter how beautiful, raw or messy that maybe.
I still believe everything happens for a reason and everyone crosses your path for a reason. They are lessons, blessings or both. You need to turn the pain into your power and really learn from those lessons because if you don’t the universe will keep throwing those lessons at you until you do!
It’s ok to carry your scars, they are part of you and they make you the uniquely amazing creature that you are. Your wounds on the other hand need to be healed because unhealed wounds will bleed over everyone around you and that is toxic. Unhealed wounds and bypassing not only stunt your growth, they trick you into thinking you have grown when in fact it’s just your ego jumping in the way.
Is my pain healed? Not fully but I identify and accept that and work on it everyday. Have I grown? Absolutely, I don’t recognise parts of myself from the past but I acknowledge them and love them nonetheless. Most importantly I live my life with passion, with purpose, with gratitude, with forgiveness, with grace, with authenticity, with a kick-ass sense of humour and with love and I do so knowing that I continue to grow everyday into the very best version of myself and she is more than enough. She always was but just didn’t see it- She sees it very clearly now!
I find it beautifully ironic that the more we can own our own darkness, the brighter we can emit our light. And what a stunningly beautiful light it is.
“We can’t find our path without getting messy. Messy comes with the territory. We came in messy. We love messy. We leave messy… In the heart of chaos, is the cry that shapes us from home. Chaotic magnificence”.