Doula, pronounced Doo-La is a Greek word meaning “persons of service”.
Most people have heard about Birth Doula’s, those serving women throughout their late stages of pregnancy and giving birth. But what are End of Life Doula’s or Death Doula’s? Here in Australia where I am from, they are not as well known or as well utilised as they are in many other parts of the world. But their popularity is growing. An End of Life Doula is someone who supports a dying person and their family. Providing emotional support, practical support, planning support and legacy.
As a holistic counsellor specialising in loss and grief, it was a natural progression for me to extend my services into this area. I underwent End of Life Doula training which encompassed some on the job training, which I completed in palliative care. Having experienced my mum’s final days, hours and moments, was the catalyst for wanting to expand into this field. It’s an honour and a privilege to support and serve those transitioning from life to death.
In our Western culture we have created fear around death and dying. Some people don’t have wills prepared as they are scared that will somehow expedite an untimely death. Some people avoid funerals because they don’t like being around all that sadness. And some distance themselves from the dying and the grieving because it makes them uncomfortable. The people that need the most support, end up feeling alone and that to me, is the biggest tragedy of all.
Death unfortunately is a part of life. Depending on your beliefs, death isn’t the end, but rather another stage. I personally see it as a transition a transition from the physicality of living, to the death of the physical body, but the essence remains. Everyone will have their own perceptions and thoughts around what happens after death and respect is key. As a Doula I’m very open and accepting of everyone’s individual beliefs and honour the dying and their loved ones.
For some who are dying they have lost contact with loved ones and knowing they have little time left, they want to see them. Some have complicated relationships and they want to make amends, ask for forgiveness or perhaps forgive another. My role as a Doula in these situations is to facilitate the wishes of the dying. I will make the contacts and communicate the situation but it is always the choice of the people involved should they wish to speak to or visit the dying. If they choose not to, I am compassionate but honest with the dying person.
Others who are dying need more practical support and I can provide that. I can take them to appointments and liase outcomes with others, if asked too. I can be a support with the medical team, but I don’t make medical decisions. Or perhaps it’s simply company that they need, so I provide that company. I provide whatever they need at that time.
Some families of the dying need someone they can talk too. Someone who is understanding and experienced in death and grief. Sometimes they need help arranging services and I can guide them. As a grief counsellor I can also provide that additional support.
Legacy. People often ask me what I mean by that. When someone is dying they often want to arrange special things to be left once they’ve passed. Sometimes it’s video messages for their family. Other times letters. When the dying person is too unwell to do any of these things, I help the family to create a legacy, especially when we are supporting grieving children. Things like a special photo/trinket box. It’s about meaning and something to hold close to remember the dying. Helping to co-ordinate the legacy is a beautiful part of my Doula role.
Why seek the services of a Doula if there are family and friends? Sometimes it’s simply too much for family and friends alone. Navigating the dying stages of a loved one is one of the most heartbreaking and difficult things we face. It’s not just all the emotions, it’s all those other things I mentioned. It’s the practical, planning and legacy. It’s the what happens next? It’s the understanding and experienced presence of someone to guide you, hold space for you, comfort you and in need co-ordinate and/or arrange things.
The dying can be surrounded by people and still feel very alone. Sometimes family and friends don’t want to talk about the fears the dying person has. It’s so much easier to dismiss the scary and painful stuff, but sometimes the dying person wants to talk about this stuff. As a Doula I take this role on. I listen. I actively and compassionately listen, because they need to speak. They need to get these feelings out, but so often loved ones just can’t be present for those conversations, so I am.
I see my role as very important because there’s nothing more important than allowing a dying person to live their last weeks, days and hours in a way that brings them the most comfort and peace. There’s nothing more important than providing additional support to the loved ones of the dying in whatever capacity they need. And there’s no greater honour than comforting someone, being present, as they transition from life to death.
“Mortality is precious and limited. It’s what we do with the time we have that matters. As End of Life Doula’s know, nothing will bring you as close to understanding the true value and meaning of existence as confronting death”- Unknown.
Find Your Inner Goddess 