” It’s like this, one day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else”- Lang Leav
I’ve seen a recent increase in social media “influencers” and “coaches”, sprouting their version of love. Chemistry. Relationships. Dating. Masculine and feminine energy. And the list goes on.
But here’s the thing, it’s opinion. It’s their opinion, underpinned by their belief system and their perspective. A trend I’ve noticed is so many confuse lust with chemistry. Good sex with connection. Limerence with love. Masculine and feminine energy with the energy and essence of a person. And the result is insecure people who fear being alone, all out there chasing these elusive ideas, getting confused and hurt when things don’t work out.
Instead of listening to people’s opinions on what they should be doing. How they should play the game. When they should have sex. We need to simply be authentic. Work on what makes us a happy individual and let life happen.
And yes you’re probably thinking this is just my perspective and you would be right. But it is based off a 30 year relationship that broke down, that I thought had everything. A 2 year relationship that was filled with incredible passion, love, pain, insights and lessons. And nearly 3 years of study in this field, plus a whole lot of deep work on myself. I come from a place of understanding intricately what went wrong in my own relationships- my partners failures and my own failures. I’m also very aware it is not my place to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should be doing, as we are all different, but rather provide perhaps s different perspective.
So hear me out.
We become attached to many people throughout our lives. And we will have a level of chemistry with many people. We will be compatible with many people. What we won’t have is deep connections with many people. Why? Because connection is something else. It’s something that happens under the surface- it’s the energy of two people when they come together. Attachments we can lose. Chemistry can disappear and compatibility can change. But connection is really hard to destroy.
We can always create stronger attachments to people. We can build our chemistry and compatibility, and even stronger bonds with people. But connection cannot be built. It just is. We don’t have control over it. It’s not always logical. It doesn’t always pair up with being compatible. It doesn’t always make sense. I see it as our energy, our spirit recognising the energy and spirit of another. But when we find that connection it stays with us, even if those people are out of our lives.
It’s why we have those people that we don’t see for years, but if we do see them again the connection is still there, and your friendship, relationship is like there hasn’t been all those years in between.
I am fortunate to have deep connections with some people in my life. I know they are deep connections because we’ve been friends for over 30 years and some we did in fact go many years without contact and reconnected. It’s also the ability to be completely raw and messy, no bullshit. There’s no judgement there. You can speak your truth and the connection doesn’t change.
I’ve also spent a significant amount of time looking at my longterm marriage and if I’m brutally honest with myself, I see we had attachment because we had been together for so long and had kids. There was definitely chemistry for many years, but that did drift away. We had a deep bond, and we had love. But did we have that connection of energy and spirit? I don’t think so. In truth I think many relationships would be similar, in that they have everything but that depth of connection- the energetic and spiritual connection.
We can work so hard harnessing the attachment, the friendship, the attraction and chemistry, and the bond, but the reality is we cannot harness the connection because it’s either there or it isn’t. If we take away the attachment (attachment being our insecurities and fears), if we lose some attraction and chemistry and analyse what our bond is ie: is it children, money, other reasons or is it actually the person? When all these things are taken away or closely looked at, do we have that deep energetic and spiritual connection? It’s very confronting to do this and realise we sometimes spend years with people we don’t actually have that connection with.
Do I think relationships can last without that connection? Yes I think they can, but are they fulfilling? It’s up to the individual whether that’s enough. Knowing what that connection feels like, for me the other stuff isn’t enough. I think if you’ve not felt a deep and magnetic connection before, you may perhaps not understand the difference. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong and I believe people should do what they believe is best for them, but it is important to understand the difference between these things.
Back to these social media “influencers” and “coaches”- I think they are sometimes very shallow in their opinions and the one shoe fits all approach is simply incorrect. Chemistry is great! Who doesn’t want hot sex? But that alone has no longevity. Compatibility is good, when you have things in common and similar ideas, that’s always going to help, but it won’t be enough to sustain a good relationship ongoing. Bonds are formed and can of course be nurtured and watered to keep that friendship or relationship moving forward. But none of these compare to that unexplainable connection we feel towards some people.
So next time you see one of those “influencers” or “coaches” on social media, please don’t blindly follow their “advice”, because that advice is just their opinion. Knowledge is power and not confusing the initial lust with ongoing chemistry and limerence with love is a great start. But most of all understand what true connection is. And lastly fill your own cup, pursue your passions, work on yourself, be authentic and let life happen, because no amount of searching is going to find connection.
Connection cannot be found or created. Connection just is.