The dilemma of making hard choices, letting go, embracing chaos and following our souls

Sometimes, we get lost, confused and lonely in the walls that we have built-walls we often do not realise we have even built, trying to protect our hearts and our little, fragile souls. We get too lost and invested, and sometimes the way out is practically invisible and nowhere to be seen.

Also, we frequently wear our hearts on our sleeves– I know I definitely do! We go out there, follow that heart, and sometimes end up terribly wounded, a little broken, and completely exposed.

Life is one tricky dilemma, always challenging us, whether we like it or not, whether we think we can handle it or not. It always has a way of proving us right and wrong, letting us feel guilt and satisfaction, happiness and sadness, excitement and anxiety, success and failure, shame and pride, fulfillments and regrets, wins and losses. Such a paradox.

As a woman embarking this earth, I find myself defying gravity, trying to understand what this life is really about. At the same time, pulled into my feminine power. We can find ourselves in a cocoon for the longest time, until we are blessed with that defining moment-that realisation, we have our wings. Sometimes we fly, and other times we sit there, stranded, unsure of our next move. But always we have the choice.

You see, we frequently find ourselves (more than we expect) at a crossroad in our lives. Should we choose this person or that person, this job or that job, this country or that country, this house or that house, settling or reaching, satisfaction or greed, passionate love or companionship love, ultimate happiness or pleasing others, mind or heart, spirituality or tangibility?

The list goes on and on since, as we all know, we were born free on this earth. This sword of free cuts both ways—it’s a curse and a blessing—as sometimes, even if we don’t like to admit it, we prefer not having a choice and complying since choosing something tends to always mean we lose the other side to this choice. Another paradox.

To choose ultimate happiness, might practically mean we have to endure and go through things and feelings we don’t want to feel in the beginning. It may mean we need to deal with things, we don’t want to deal with. It may mean we need to dig up stuff we have buried.

To choose spirituality means we have to slowly detach from the materials that keep us bound to the concrete—to what can be seen and touched.

To choose settling means we have to be satisfied with what we have and live with what is available, rather than pursuing the calling deep inside of us. To reach for something more-something different, can be provoke too much fear in some.

How I see it, is that life itself is a list of choices, a bunch of crossroads, thrown in with several hurdles and the only constant it holds is that for it to continue, there must be constant change and constant choosing between things and paths.

Life also puts several people in our way—those who break us, those who make us, and those who fit in between. But they are all sent our way for a reason. Some are fleeting moments others are longer term. Some are hard to remember and others are hard to forget.

I wish we knew the perfect way to balance having walls to block versus having bridges to cross and gates to open.

I wish we knew when to let our soft hearts of flesh breathe and when to lock them away in the stone exterior.

All I know is I’ve seen the two extremes and I’ve learned from both. I locked myself away and I set myself free. I’ve chose the mind. I’ve chose the heart. I’ve chose the soul. I settled for a bit. I dreamed. I reached. I persisted. I stopped. I kept going. I fell. I got up. I died inside. I came back to life.

I am absolutely certain there isn’t a perfect way, there isn’t a perfect balance, there isn’t a perfect choice, as with everything there are odds, and odds can always go either way. I am absolutely certain that for things to feel right, they must feel wrong. To know our calling, we must lose connection. To find ourselves, we must get lost. To thrive, we must fail. To truly love we must know loss.

We can listen to our minds. We can listen to our hearts. But to ignore the voice of our soul is what does us the greatest disservice. What the soul chooses may not be the perfect choice, the logical choice but it is the choice to inner happiness. It is what we are meant to do and where we are meant to be.

Life is a series of trial and error until we land in that beautiful, incomplete, perfectly imperfect chaos that suits our walls, our bridges, our hearts, our minds, our beliefs, our disbeliefs and most of all our souls. That chaos where we find the biggest order and peace. That chaos we won’t let go of until we take our last breath.

“Following your mind is more logical than following your heart. But you need to follow your heart, for the peace of your soul”.