Carrying each of you for 9 months was such a gift. You were so wanted and so adored from the moment I knew. Feeling you move and kick me is something I will always treasure. I used to talk and sing to you everyday. I adored being pregnant, knowing that I would soon meet you. I’m sure I’ve told you this a million times?
When I saw you for the first time, I thought my heart would explode. You were both so perfect in every single way. I still feel like my heart will explode when I’m with you. Do you know that?
The need to protect you was fierce. An unstoppable force would bubble inside of me anytime someone caused you pain. It still does. Do you feel me trying to protect you?
When you suffered I wanted to take it all away. I wanted to dissolve your hurt. Absorb your tears. I understood they were life lessons but I felt your suffering deep within my soul. I still do. You know I feel every inch of your pain.
Sometimes I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I was so conscious of not making mistakes, that I forgot I am human and mistakes are inevitable. Then I would look into your sweet faces and see this unbelievable faith. This trust in me that reminded me of the honour it is being your mum and to relax and enjoy the ride. Do you know I have undeniable faith in the both of you?
Often I would watch you sleep. Smoothing the hair from your forehead. Your breathing so soft and you looked so very peaceful. I cannot adequately express the love I have for both of you. Did you know I did that?
You made me cry. A lot. I never wanted you to see me cry but I know at times you did. It was not your fault, you were growing and changing. Trying to find your path. My heart and emotions were always at their most vulnerable with you. You can still make me cry.
I know family life didn’t quite turn out how we all imagined but you also understand it was for the best and that parents whole and happy alone are better than parents who settle. I know you felt a loss when we separated but you also learnt everyone should be free to make the best decisions for themselves. Just know we both love you dearly.
I beam with pride. I have always been your biggest cheerleader. My dream for you was to do something that inspired you and be the giving and caring people that you are. Not perfect but real and raw. I have always been so damn proud of you both. I know I’ve told you this many a time.
You have taught me some of my most profound lessons. I have learnt unconditional love. Patience, so much bloody patience. You have reminded me things are forever changing and with your growth, I realised I too was growing and transforming. Do you know you have taught me as much as I have taught you?
Now you encourage me to fly. You have given me my wings and asked me to follow my passions. My path. My heart. For half of my life you were my two most important passions and with you being grown, I have time to pursue other dreams. But you are still my why. My reason I want to be the best version of me. Do you understand that no matter how grown you are, you will always be my why?
You light up my life each and every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and miss you. Not a day goes by that I’m not reminded how very blessed I am that you two incredibly special human beings chose me to be your mum. Guess how much I love you….all the way to the moon and back 3 billion times.
” A mother will only ever be in one of three places. In front of you to cheer you on. Behind you to have your back. Or next to you so you aren’t walking alone”.
One thought on “Things you may not know-A letter to my grown up kids”
I felt that xx
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