It was just after midnight when I was driving home, a little tired and ready for bed. I was thinking about my plans for the day ahead when a song transported me back to a different time. A different place. A different me, yet the same me, with the same heart, just a different version.
Every so often you not only hear a beautiful melody, but you listen intently to the lyrics and something inside of you, within the depths of your soul, is profoundly felt. A reminder of things you once loved, once held close but are now lost. Gone. A loss that still circles your heart. A loss that, no matter the time that has past, still has the ability to carve a hole in the deepest parts of you. A loss that forever changes the landscape of your life. A loss that, on some level, changes the veracity of who you are.
My Immortal, by Evanescence, is one such song.
I’ve heard this song over the years and thought it was beautiful. Lilting. But hearing it that night, it moved me in a way, that every part of my being was drawn into the emotion. Every cell felt an intensity. Melancholy. Sorrow. Contemplation. Mesmerised. Reflection. It was an assault on my vulnerability, engulfing, all that love and loss, that still quietly resides within my heart and soul. Feeling everything at once. Pieces of pain. Pieces of grief. Pieces of sadness. Pieces of those, no longer here with me, yet part of them still gently, carefully and lovingly, tucked away neatly, in the softness within me. Longing. Yearning. Releasing.
“These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase”.
Be it the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship, this song captivates it all. Every emotion can be felt in a few short minutes. Every loss will be front and centre, reminding you that our grief never fully leaves us. Our senses awakened by the memories. Those wounds reopening, if only for a few minutes.
“When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d wipe away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me”.
My vision was blurred. As another tear forced its way out of the corner of my eye and slid shamelessly down my face. How long had I been crying? These words mercilessly pounding me, like a small tugboat in the vast seas of a tsunami. A sob caught in my throat. I felt so raw, like every part of me was on display.
“Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me”.
Music the universal language of emotions and feelings. Of love and loss. Joy and pain. The ability to take you to another place. A different time. A past version of yourself. In a little over 4 minutes every loss, every grief I’ve ever experienced came to visit. They sat next to me in the passenger seat. Watching my display of heightened emotions. Each one vying for their spot in this present moment. Every unconscious heartbreak, pushing into my conscious mind. There was no rest. No gentle shield to protect me from the unrelenting battering of what needed to be felt. A symphony of memories that would not be denied their moment on centre stage. Would not be denied their importance in my life. Would not be denied their power, to once again remind me they are a part of my life.
Emotions and feelings are like an odometer for life. The ability to show those raw emotions and feel so deeply, a nudge that we are alive. A prompt that we are in-tune with ourselves. That there is a depth of awareness and rawness within us, that knows pain, loss and grief is part of life’s journey. Part of the human condition. Because without them, we are simply a shell, existing in a world of numbness. Existing in a world of fake.
As with all good gut-wrenching, heartbreaking songs, I played it repeatedly until I got home. Each time a new intensity would be felt. Each time the kaleidoscope of memories changed. Each time the lyrics would be heard a little differently. Each time became more cathartic. Each time those wounds started to scab over once again. Each time the love inside quelled the pain, that tiny bit more. Each time I moved one step closer to a new depth of healing. Each time I found a little more of myself.
Hit play on the link below. Close your eyes and feel into the music. Listen to the lyrics and let them move you to a, perhaps, long forgotten place. Immerse yourself in this one moment. 4 minutes. Observe what comes up for you. Experience it all. Every emotion that comes to visit, let her in. Let your senses show you the way. Show you the story that wants to be seen. Wants to be heard. Surrender to it all. The humanness. The aliveness. The sometimes despairing beauty of life. The veracity of who you are.
Find Your Inner Goddess 