“There are no words to describe the happiness in holding your baby’s baby”-Unknown
My baby girl is having a baby, and I cannot adequately express the overwhelming feelings of love. I’m completely undone in the most beautiful of ways.
Twenty seven years ago I gave birth to this delicate porcelain doll. Exquisite from her sweet button nose to her ten perfect little toes. Twenty seven years later she is carrying her very own tiny human. A part of her, a part of her partner and a part of her dad and I. A gift that we not only didn’t see coming, but a gift we thought would never be.
She was a sweet and caring little girl, who had my shyness and her dads stubbornness- it was a potent mix. Her blonde hair and big blue eyes were a vision of innocence, but she harboured a determination and strong will that could bring someone to their knees. She was protective of her little brother, but what stood out the most was her heart. Her caring and generous heart. It still stands out.
My girl was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 13, and a common issue with type 1 diabetics is polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which causes follicles on the ovaries, higher rates of testosterone and irregular periods- with the added problem of ovulation issues. It was strongly assumed she would unlikely fall pregnant. So it was definitely something none of us were expecting. Her diabetes will make her pregnancy more challenging but we have a good medical team, and I will be there holding her hand every step of the way. And like every challenge she has faced, she will face it head on.
Some of the best things in life are not planned, they just are. They happen as they are meant to happen, and they change the course of our lives.
I look at my daughter now and see the incredible woman that she is. Yes she has battled a chronic illness from a young age, coupled with hormonal issues, disordered eating, anxiety and depression, but she is the most resilient and courageous person I know. Each time she was knocked down, she stood back up. Her ability to understand things is far beyond her years and her compassion and empathy of the human condition is a source of inspiration to me everyday. I am her mother but my child has taught me more about life, than any scholar ever could have. Her struggles became mine, her pain I felt deep within my soul and I didn’t always handle the situation as well as I should have, but my girl has been my greatest teacher.
She spent the night at my place last week and that first trimester fatigue and illness had really kicked in. I watched her sleep and was reminded of my little girl. Her face so peaceful and it took me back to my pregnancy with her. I used to journal daily about how I was feeling and how much I loved her. Was it really 27 years ago? Where had those years gone? My baby lay asleep in front of me, with her own baby growing inside of her. What a remarkable gift this is. The circle of life, never meaning more to me than that very moment.
She is exactly where she is meant to be. I am exactly where I am meant to be.
At 53 I have found myself in a life I never thought would be mine, about to be a first time grandmother (my self appointed name is Mimi). I have leapt out of more comfort zones in the past few years than I have my entire life. I have gone within to do the work and become the person I am today. It’s been the hardest time of my life but it has also rewarded me with healing, growth and self-awareness that I know will help me grow and heal further. It has strengthened the bond I have with my daughter and son, and that has been worth all the pain.
I sit here reflecting on what the next few months will bring. Watching my daughter grow emotionally and spiritually as she prepares for motherhood. Watching her already become protective of this new life, as I did of her, all those years ago. Watching her overcome her fear of the unknown, as her body starts to change and her belly stretches itself, to cocoon our cherished growing gift.
And as I imagine meeting my grandchild, I can only hope he or she will love me as much as I already love them. I can only hope that they are blessed with some of their mum’s incredible qualities, and they are the very best of her, as she and her brother are the very best of me.
To my daughter I am all that I am because of the love of you and your brother. You allowed me to become the woman and mother I was always meant to be. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
To my grandchild, I can’t wait to meet you. You are already imprinted in my heart and my soul. You make me want to be better. Welcoming you to the world will be such a privilege.
Grateful are those of us whose cup is not empty. Blessed are those of us whose cup is full. And humbled are those of us whose cup is overflowing.
My cup is overflowing.