“I know I can’t fix you and you can’t fix me. But maybe, that’s the beauty of it. We don’t need fixing. We just need someone to remind us, of who we truly are”.
My journey inwards has had me reflecting on everything. The good. The bad. The ugly. The beautiful. It’s with a stark realisation that I find myself in a place where some of my traits, one’s I thought were helpful and healthy are actually unhealthy and even more shocking, they are toxic.
I have spent the majority of my life in “fix it” mode. Wanting to rescue. Wanting to heal. Wanting to fix. People, animals, things, situations- whatever I thought needed it. And as I write this, I shed a few tears- well actually more than a few because it was never my role nor my right to do that.
By doing so I have hurt myself and inadvertently hurt others.
I have a healing nature and I’ve learnt that I stepped into that rescuer role, like a duck to water. There is nothing wrong with wanting to support and help others but now I sit here, feeling the immense pain and emotion fall on me like a slab of concrete, because I deeply understand by trying to fix someone, I made them feel like they were broken and in need of repair. I made them feel they were not whole and that casts a heavy burden over me.
I have gone through life and whenever I saw someone hurting or in need of support, my first thought would be-how can I take their hurt away? What do I need to do or say to make them feel better? How can I fix this?
It saddens me greatly to grasp the fact that my desire to rescue and fix, has completely disempowered those I was trying to help.
On the flip side I have had people drawn to me, in some way consciously or subconsciously they wanted me to help them, change them or fix them. I gave until I had nothing left to give and they took it all- in the end I was left trying to piece together my own broken shards. Yet I am responsible for what I allow and regardless of their wounds or trauma my boundaries were lacking and my need to fix and make their life better made for unhealthy situations.
I’ve learnt I disempower myself when I give myself wholly to another to fill their voids.
The deep work I have done on myself has shone a light so bright on my self awareness and I know I need to sit with my learnings and all the raw feelings they provoke. It’s been a bitter sweet discovery to come to terms with the knowledge that I took my caring to a toxic level but this discovery now leads me on a better path.
A healer is in me and I cannot change that, nor do I want to. However, it’s supporting another’s journey by empowering them as the master of their own life. It’s allowing them space to find their own answers rather than giving them any answers or advice from my own perceived ideas. Remaining open and curious as a an outsider supporting someone who knows what is best for them and their own path.
Nobody is a project and it was never my job or responsibility to fix another or make them happy. I cannot heal their wounds. Their voids. We are each accountable for our life. Our own choices.
I have caused myself huge amounts of distress because I couldn’t heal and fix people. I couldn’t fix certain situations. It would eat me up inside-sometimes it still does if I’m completely truthful but at the time I wasn’t aware that I was causing other’s pain-making them feel like a victim- perhaps dismissing their ability to do what was best for them.
I just needed to empower them and in my singleminded necessity to make them feel better, I disempowered them, therefore stunting their growth- not allowing them to find their own solutions. And I cannot take that back as much as I wish I could. What I can do is learn from these revelations. Grow and become a better version of myself.
I am sorry for trying to fix you. You were never broken and you never needed me to make you whole again. You needed me to highlight your courage so you could heal yourself. I let you down. You never needed me to put you back together– you just needed me to shine the torch on you so you could see what needed to be done in a clearer way.
I’m sorry for trying to fix you. You were never broken.
“I don’t want to fix you, and I can’t heal you. But I can help you see how courageous and beautiful you are. Each cracked piece fits into the masterpiece of who you are right now. And right now I see a whole and brave person”.