“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to”.
Love in its truth is a truly beautiful thing. There are so many gifts and blessings we gain from love and there are so many lessons, we can learn through the sheer pain, hurt and sadness of love.
At its core love is vulnerability. To love is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to courageously open yourself up to the pure rawness of your emotions and your feelings. It’s to be metaphorically naked, baring your soul, knowing the other person can break you, but being prepared to do it anyway. Being prepared to give it your all.
Real love is honest. It’s raw and messy. Completely imperfect. It’s the ability to have difficult conversations. Truthful conversations, no matter how painful they maybe, because without truth, love has no solid foundations. It’s about transparency where words and actions align. Words mean nothing without actions. Until we start having honest conversations about who we truly are, the demons we battle, our deepest secrets, what we lack and what we truly desire-love will continue to be a temporary emotion.
The illusion of truth can be a dangerous thing, that leads to an illusion of love.
I’ve given my heart in romantic love three times in my life. My first young love and my two adult loves. I have seen the absolute magic in love and I feel grateful that love has taken me to the highest peaks. It’s shown me the most stunning of places I never knew existed. It’s made me feel an indescribable beauty, a warmth, a safety, a peace. It’s drawn me in like a magnet and showered me with a passion and energy that filled me to my core. It’s made me realise, sometimes homes are not four walls and a roof but the arms of a person.
I am so much richer from loving and being loved.
But love has also shown me despair. It’s delivered me pain on a scale I never imagined. It’s shattered my feeling of safety and trust and left me knotted with anxiety and crippling grief, homeless in the midst of a typhoon. It’s made me question the words people say because words are just words, when those words do not equate to actions. It has shaken my faith in myself and caused endless sleepless nights and tear stained cheeks.
It has taken my soft, delicate and generous heart carefully out of my chest and left it trampled, bloody and broken on the ground.
These are the lessons we learn. Love is one of our greatest teachers. It teaches us about human behaviour, it teaches us about ourselves, our vulnerabilities, our courage and our resilience. If we do the hard inner work, it has the ability to teach us about forgiveness, understanding and compassion. The greatest gift is to find and understand the lessons and use them to grow.
Love is not controlling, nor is it possessive. Love is a relationship not ownership. It’s not manipulative, deceptive or secretive. Need, ego, attachment, lack of boundaries-these are all toxic traits. Don’t fool yourself and confuse this for love.
The most heartbreaking of lessons we learn through love is when to hang on and when to let go.
There is this belief, this societal pressure and judgment that sees relationship breakdowns, particularly marriage breakdowns as failures. As people giving up, but sometimes the best thing for everyone is to let go. It’s not giving up, it’s being self aware enough to realise when to fight and when to surrender. When one soul has left, hanging on is the most harmful thing to do. If the relationship is toxic, it’s time to let go. If it’s not mutual love, it’s time to let go. If it’s not what you want deep in your soul, it’s time to let go.
Sometimes loving someone means letting them go, if they no longer want to stay. This is love and this is respect. Manipulating someone to stay, or lying to protect yourself in a relationship screams of toxicity. As does trying to control the outcome of the relationship. This is NOT love.
We live in a world where people feel the need to be in a relationship. They move from one relationship to another, without healing or growing. Without working on their toxic traits. They think they are looking for love but the truth is they CANNOT be alone. They need to be with someone. They need to cling to someone with this false belief this will bring them happiness. If you are not whole and happy alone, you are not going to be whole and happy in a relationship. This is not love.
Love cannot be measured in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections, yield very little growth, whilst the briefest of encounters become a catalyst and change absolutely everything. The soul doesn’t wear a watch, nor is it aware of rules- it’s timeless and it feels what it feels. It doesn’t care how long you know someone or what your history is. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary, if there’s no real juice in the connection. What the soul cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it in a way it’s not been open before, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds this the transformation begins.
Ask yourself- what do I need to grow? What and whom has been the catalyst for previous growth. If I think of romantic love who comes to mind? Where do I feel that? How does it feel? If I look into my soul, what am I going to see? This takes brutal honesty and a bravery many are not ready for. Why? Because sometimes the honest answers-the ones from our soul are not what we think they will be and our mind overridden with fear tries to convince us otherwise. Be brave anyway- it’s worth it.
Don’t be afraid to love and be completely vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Don’t be afraid of honesty and the hard stuff. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to follow your soul.
Be afraid of settling because that’s where passion dies. Be afraid of holding on when it’s not what you want, because that’s when resentment sets it. Be afraid of not going after what you truly desire. Be afraid of the illusion of truth.
Are you really happy, or just really comfortable? Is it really love, or are you just scared to be alone or follow a different path?
Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the really scary questions. I get it, being comfortable feels safe, but sometimes we are attached to the familiar, to the routine, to what’s expected of us, to the memories and the history- these things make us comfortable but comfort suffocates our growth and it can deny our true desires. There are millions of “comfortable” couples (I was one of them for a long time), but comfortable does not equal truly happy and it certainly does not equate to deep love. Comfort zones are comfortable because they are familiar not because they are healthy.
“If you truly love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy. Even if it’s not with you”.