“Real change and growth can only happen, when we are willing to face the darkness of our wounds and the truth”.
Both the narcissist and people pleaser have inner child wounds, that stem from a lack of validation self love/worthiness. At the surface narcissists and people pleasers seem like polar opposites. The narcissist a taker and the people pleaser a giver. But if you dig deep, it goes into the core wound of the same thing- not feeling validation. Not feeling good enough or not feeling powerful enough. They have both received similar deep core wounds, but the way they act out, is totally opposite.
The people pleaser always wants to give to others, to the point they betray their own boundaries consistently. By doing this they seek the validation and love they crave. I myself am an empath and I have in the past been a people pleaser. I have identified this and done a considerable amount of work on myself. I have faced those inner wounds, the darkness and the shadows- which I might add is not at all easy but to heal it must be done in all its rawness and messiness.
The narcissist or those with narcissistic tendencies try to gain their power and validation by taking power over others. Using tactics like manipulation, control, deceit, bullying and gaslighting as ways to gain validation and power. Whilst the core wound is similar the behaviour of the narcissist is on the opposite end of the spectrum to the people pleaser. A narcissist will rarely change and heal longterm because they cannot see that there is anything wrong with their behaviour. They become so used to projecting their mostly negative qualities onto others.
Then we have the narcissist that can also be a people pleaser, their actions switching between the two, to suit the outcome they desire, they are after all master manipulators. They can wear many masks and be very charming. For anyone that has known someone like this, you will understand how this works. I have spoken to many people and read countless articles on this, particularly as it’s a topic in the masters course I’m undertaking. Those who have come in contact with a narcissist will often be drained and sometimes broken. If we look in the corporate world we can clearly see many of those in the higher management roles, will most definitely display at least some narcissistic tendencies.
A friend of mine who was married to a narcissist sent me this. ” a relationship with a narcissist – you will go from being the perfect love of their life, to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything and they will take it all and give less and less in return. You will end up depleted emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sometimes even financially and then they will blame you for that as well”. It has taken her many years to heal.
So how do we fix this? As a people pleaser I believe it’s much easier as you are a giver, someone always giving of themselves and if you can identify and admit this, you can start the journey of healing. I like to believe everyone can change and grow, however, sadly it is rare for a narcissist to heal and change longterm. It’s doubtful they would even recognise themselves as a narcissist (noting there are several types of narcissists-but that’s for another article). If someone actually tells them they are narcissist, they would likely turn the whole situation around and blame anyone and everyone else.
At the core of everything are our inner child wounds and if we want to change, grow and transform- we have to be prepared to go so deep because realistically most of us haven’t a clue what those wounds are. It’s interesting what my journey of healing has raised. Many things seemingly of little significance as an adult but as a child the impact at that time, causing a wound. So if you think about the many little things, which seem big as a child, mounting up you begin to understand how these childhood wounds are formed. I have learnt so much but we must be prepared to go through the darkness and face that pain, before we can truly heal.
For those who have had far more significant things impact their childhood, their wounds will be that much deeper. And identifying what has caused those wounds that much harder. The healing that much greater. Then you add the compounding of these wounds over the years! But again if one is prepared to do the hardwork, you will be rewarded with a newfound inner peace.
We need to understand that something we are triggered by as an adult will often be from a painful event from years ago. Negative traits like lying, bullying, manipulating, addiction and projecting blame onto others directly correlates with the wounds within you and they will never just go away by themselves. You have to actively choose to face your darkness. To be completely honest with everyone in your life especially yourself. Seek help as often times you cannot heal alone. I found hypnotherapy a great tool to support me in my healing journey.
I love to see the good in everyone and I still like being helpful and giving but I now have my limits. I also have pretty f*cking big boundaries! We do need to be realistic and realise that not everyone has the same caring heart as many of us have. To help others we need to have done our own work, otherwise we find ourselves trying to help those with such deep wounds they end up cutting us wide open. Remember we cannot fix another, all we can do is support them with the tools to fix themselves, if they have the willingness to do the deep work!
“The cry we hear from deep within our hearts, comes from the wounded inner child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, fear and all the negative behavioural traits that form from these”.