I’ve grown so much in the past 2 years, transformed some more over past 6 months and the growth does not stop as the last few weeks has seen even more change. I think very positively and know I will do amazing things as I continue to put the hardwork in, however, until you face trauma head on, you really do not know what you are made of!
I never realised how resilient I was until I had no choice but to be resilient. I have gone through enough life changes, heartbreaks, loss, uncertainty and fear in the past few years to break a person and in some ways I was broken but the wonder of being broken is you can put yourself back together in such a beautiful way and you become a stronger, more caring, intuitive, loving and authentic human being. You become a better version of yourself and you stare fear and uncertainty down like it’s a challenge.
Truthfully there have been plenty of tears and sleepless nights. There were times where I sat on the tiled floor of my shower, letting the water run over me whist I sobbed and it was anguished, a heart wrenching pain that I thought I would never recover from but I did. Life has a way of testing your will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once and wow did I have a lot happening at once! It’s easy to remain positive when everything is cruising along but much harder when you’ve been hit with both barrels over a period of time but I not only succeeded I was victorious! I’ve crawled, then walked and then ran out of that rubble with my head held high and for that I am f*cking proud of myself. I’ve done it mostly alone with self love, determination, spirit, dignity and grace. I now face the trauma of what my mum is going through and it’s bloody tough, there’s so much going on and I need to stay strong because I’m the glue to hold it all together and together I will hold it.
It takes a lot of strength to ask for help and it takes a lot of courage to say, “I just can’t carry this on my own”. My circle have been incredible and I am so very grateful because it takes a lot of love to respond with “I’m here and you don’t have to fight this alone or what can I do to support you”. I am very independent and do not like to bother people when everyone has busy lives and I do not like relying on others but sometimes we all need a bit of a hand when times are a little difficult. Vulnerability is strength.
Sitting here tonight and I go to pick up the phone to call mum and realise I can’t chat to her right now, which is foreign to me as she has always been there and always available. She needs her rest to recover and still has a task ahead of her and I miss her. I have taken for granted the ability to talk to her whenever I want and this whole awful experience has taught me to take nobody for granted. To the people that love and care for you and are always there for you, make sure you tell them you appreciate them. Make sure they know how you feel about them. Be honest and say what is in your heart and soul because this has reminded me that life can be fragile and living with regret for words unsaid and lack of action is just another heartbreak. Life is short so do what makes you happy and be with who inspires you. Always remember people will forget what you said, they will forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel.
I continue to embrace my spirituality and know that each little hurdle on my journey is just another step in my transformation and healing. I love that on my journey of self discovery I have found the gifts I have, and those gifts I can now share with others in the knowledge that it will help them. Life lessons and experience are the very best teachers and when you can feel, deal and heal the loss, the pain, the trauma and the grief you will not only learn what you are truly made of but you will realise you are unstoppable. Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave person is not one who doesn’t feel afraid but who conquers fear.
“They whispered to her, you cannot withstand the storm! She whispered back, I am the storm”.